On Typhoon Mario

Once again a freakish storm hit Luzon. Prophesiers of the apocalypse will have a field day, I can picture it already. I remember when Ondoy hit metro manila. It was described as a phenomenon that happens once every half a century or so. Now it’s more like a once a year thing, like other yearly pinoy events, like the  sinulog, pahiyas or the Manila auto show. If it happens any more frequently, we’d be seeing resorts sprouting along edsa.

On the brighter side, we’d have use for our salbabidas all year round –More value for the money, I say. We can market our country as the premiere urban-aquatic destination in Asia. Could be good for tourism. Imagine the reviews "Playing DOTA with your body half submerged in water... definitely a unique experience. 5 out of 5. Would try again. It's definitely more fun in the Philippines"

Of course we must never forget that this is Manny pacquiao’s fault for switching religions, climate change doesn’t exist and we Filipinos will get sarcasm and satire the first time we read it.

The November 29 Coup

I turned the TV on yesterday with the intention of watching some intellectually stimulating shows from JackTV. Instead, I was treated to one of the more entertaining live local news stories I had seen in a while.

Senator Trillanes walked out of a court hearing, traversed the streets of makati with a bunch of armed men. They marched towards the manila peninsula hotel, commandeered it and called for the people to join them in overthrowing the arroyo administration. The military and the police gave them a deadline to surrender. The deadline came and passed. Swarms of troops started storming the hotel. Gunshots were heard. A tank crashed through the front door of the hotel.
Senator Trillanes seemed really determined so I was expecting it to end in bloodshed. I was sure people were going to be googling pictures of Trillanes' corpse later in the day But alas, Trillanes and company gave up with hardly a fight

Much to the dismay of the Media personnel who were caught inside the hotel at the time of the incident, they were tied up, rounded up like cattle and forced to ride non-airconditioned buses (the horror) to bicutan, in which they were detained. They were understandably outraged (airconditioned buses would've been a more humane option) However, this is a very good tactical move for the military for magdalo soldiers have a reputation of being exceptionally good at subterfuge. A number of them could've easily blended in with the media. The magdalo soldier's proficiency in disguise is displayed in the picture below in which, if one would look very closely, a magdalo soldier can be seen inconspicuously disguised as a Rastafarian "MAWN" . He doesn't stand out at all.

Senator Trillanes is a very colorful character with very lofty goals and very creative/dramatic methods of bringing them to fruition
He believes that toppling the current government would solve the problems of the Philippines. What a non-simplistic worldview. This goes with the"let's-give-money-to-the-poor" ideology as guaranteed ways of permanently eradicating poverty in the Philippines. He doesn't share with us his alternative solution because he knows that the Filipino masses want to use their brains. He intends to make us use our brains by making us guess what his plans are.

Senator Trillanes used a lot of fighting words. He said he was ready to die. He said he wasn't going to back down. His confidence and charisma were so intense, hypnotic and overflowing that he was able to convince elderly civilians, family men with a lot at stake, to embark on a perilous, military crusade with just a handful of armed soldiers with them.

Guingona not yet dead, just dazed by Trillanes' hypnotic charisma

When the tank came crashing through the door though, he gave up almost instantaneously without resistance. But this wasn't an act of cowardice. This was a selfless act of genuine heroism for he really wanted to save the civilians who were with him. The same civilians whom he kept from leaving the hotel when the bullets started flying

An Entry About Haters

Too much rage is never a good thing

The Philippine blogosphere has been a very vocal community lately. Bloggers wrote about their opinions on issues that mattered to them and fought for their advocacies. I think that’s definitely a good thing as it elevates people’s perception of blogging as something that's more than just a pastime for nerds and egotistical maniacs, like yours truly.

I didn’t post my thoughts on some of the major issues so here they are: I understand why Malu Fernandez’s article offended people but the unruly mob that personally attacked her in a very uncivilized manner gave some of the points she raised in her article a bit of credence. I think the death of Chris Mendez was absolutely deplorable and justice should be served swiftly…

I’d rather keep my thoughts on the other issues to myself since I don’t want to offend other bloggers any more than I already probably have. I’ve tried to be as Apolitical as I could on most of the issues because I didn’t really have strong feelings for any of those issues and I didn’t feel like I had anything original to say about them that I could express in more than a few sentences.
A lot of the blogs that have chosen to take a side on those issues got a lot of flack from haters who did not exactly agree with their views. Haters even attacked people who have taken a more or less neutral position

In this article, I’ll be discussing the various flavors of trolls/haters that populate the local blogosphere. They come in various levels of articulacy but they all have one thing in common. They all have a penchant for dishing out personal attacks like Joey Deleon dishes out “slightly inappropriate” jokes. They’d not only insult you, they’d insult you below the belt …and then they’d insult everyone who’s related to you

I.)Some haters seem to be educated and express their displeasure with you in a somewhat civilized manner. Here’s a typical comment from such haters: :
“I find your biased take on the issue to be counter-logical and extremely idiotic. You, sir, are an idiot and a loser. Fuck you, your dog and your barber.”
I just wish they’d leave my barber alone. I happen to like my haircut right now. Also, I love dogs but I don’t have a dog right now. Browny passed away already. I actually welcome comments like these. They spur discussion, increase your hits …and at least you don’t feel shorthanded since they have actual points to accompany their insults.

II.)There are haters that still have some semblance of tact and attack you in a very indirect manner. Here’s a typical comment from such haters: “There are certain bloggers in the Philippine blogosphere who are quite insensitive to the plight of the oppressed. They hide behind wit and sarcasm but underneath all the humor, there’s nothing but stupid and illogical arguments. They are actually very stupid losers who do not have a life and I have no respect for their godless ways… I’m not talking about a certain blogger named jaywalker of course” -Somewhere in there, you could swear that there is a hidden hint or two.
I find attacks like this to be quite annoying since you really can’t defend yourself against them. They can always say that they weren’t referring to you and then you’d be labeled paranoid. The best recourse would be to reply with another indirect attack that has so many hints that no one would doubt who you’re referring to. Just stop short of spelling out his full name. When he calls you out on it, tell him you weren’t referring to him and that the hints were purely coincidental.

III.)And then there extremely passionate, extremely brutal haters who make absolutely no attempt to hide behind civility. Here’s a typical comment from such haters:
“R U Filipino? R U CraZy? st00pID? Gago? BObo? Ulol! wHy R U nOt offEnding wHEn pipol R insUlt ur contryman. TraYtor U R woRshIP ThE US, comMercialist DoG. You sHulD depOrtEd 2 Amrika. BrIng DOwn GovrnMNT Dey BomBing gLorietTA. Replace wITH cOmMunsim m/”
Funny how after so brutally butchering the language like that, they still have the audacity to accuse someone of being bobo?
You find yourself in a bit of a dilemma. You don’t want to bring yourself down to their level by replying to them but if you don’t reply to them, their fellow haters, whom they share the same remarkable double digit IQ score with, will think that you’re getting pwnd. Taking the high ground seems to be the most prudent course of action but I’d much rather Insult them using words that are beyond their level of comprehension. That way, they wouldn’t know whether to react negatively or positively. Something like this would suffice:
“I find your thrasonical comportment, your temerarious use of invectives and your lack of erudition on the topic at hand to be telling of your exiguity of breeding. You, sir, are the very antithesis of gentility. Please refrain from adulterating my comment box with your animadversions that reek of plebian mentality”Who knows …they may even thank you out of confusion

BTW Now that I’ve had time to ponder about it, I think I actually hate my haircut.

Marketing Useless Products

To succeed in business it really helps to have good marketing skills. You have to make people buy stuff that they wouldn’t normally buy. I consider myself well endowed in the realm of marketing. I will now demonstrate my marketing prowess

Product#1:
We’ve all experienced it -Neck strain when riding the MRT. Introducing the fashionably upright MRT-or-LRT-chin-tripod. No longer do you have to look foolish popping your neck vertebrae because of neck strain. The MRT-or-LRT-chin tripod fully supports heads of up to 50lbs and the harness is adjustable so melonheads of various dimensions can be accommodated. As pictured above, it’s very inconspicuous and it doesn’t make you look like a Halloween artifact at all. It’s also very fashionable- I mean why else would that obviously very fashion conscious woman be using it.

Product #2The most effective non-surgical, non-pharmaceutical solution to people suffering from rhinitis and chronic colds, Introducing the Decolgen-no-more-head-mounted tissue roll. It comes in the very attractive color of blue green with a very purty white base and neck strap. The sight of greenish goo oozing from your nostrils can eat away at your dignity. So buy the Decolgen-no-more-head-mounted tissue roll now to save whatever shred of human dignity you have left

 Product #3For instant noodles with a capital “I”, look nowhere else than the Noodles-instamatic-chopsticks-with-a-fan-thingamajig. Comes in various colors to suit your mood or the flavor of your noodles. coming soon: the “Noodles-instamatic-spoon-and-fork-with-a-fan-thingamajig” For people with less chinky eyes …batteries sold separately

Product #4

Tired of bringing an umbrella to a perfectly sunny day? Tired of misleading weather reports? Introducing the rain-anywhere-red-umbrella 2000 guaranteed to make carrying an umbrella always worth your while and checking weather reports a thing of the past…Are further words really necessary? Just look at the pic and marvel at how convenient it is

Product #6
Insecto-phobic? Scared of killing a cockroach with your slippers because you don’t want to be less than 5 feet from the gory sight of its entrails? Here’s the product just for you. The Slippers-with-a-5-foot-handle-cockroach-killer-for-insecto-phobics. For those days when a 10 foot broomstick just isn’t available

Product #7
From the same people who brought you the MRT-or-LRT-chin-tripod comes the MRT-or-LRT-toilet bowl-pump-portable handle. If you ever find yourself in a precarious area in the MRT where there are no handles in reach, just reach for the very handy MRT-LRT-toilet bowl-pump-portable handle and you have an instant handle anywhere you are. You may even find that people would start giving you space –slowly moving away from you as they gaze in awe of this very ingenious contraption and its obviously very smart owner

It just came to my attention that I’ve been such a wuss the last few months. Since I am a gentleman well schooled in the art of manliness and uber intellectual vocabularism, I will not call it emo. I will instead call it “A slight perturbation in my state of almost constant positivity and manliness”

We’re all human and we all occasionally suffer from bouts of depression and whatnot. What every man should know is that you can be slightly emotional without being a sissy. Here is the man’s guide to being emotional without being a sissy.

 Resist all temptation to listen to Barbara Streisand or any form of overly mushy music-that is a deep hole you can never get out from. You might as well wear a skirt and scout Qav for man-whores while wildly waving your arms in the wind like a sex crazed homo. Instead listen to some pantera and feel the “manliness” slowly seep back in your veins

It’s a steep slippery slope to gaydom from here

 

Resist all temptation to stare at the horizon with a melancholic face and slightly teary eyes. That’s open invitation for some butt kicking if you’re in the right location. Poker is the keyword here.

This is something that all self respecting men know by heart. Never, for any reason, cry in public. If you just can’t hold it anymore, point at a slightly less than pleasing face in the crowd, point at it and laugh …this should effectively mask your tears as those resulting from extreme amusement.

Should the loneliness ever become unbearable, you may be tempted to go on whoring sessions. Never go to quiapo to satisfy your urges. There may just be a reason why the girls there would sleep with you for 50 pesos. I don’t go whoring (I don’t need to, unlike most writers, I’m actually endowed with good looks) but if you’re desperate might I suggest maalikaya in cubao or a certain establishment that cab drivers know very well near the intersection of edsa and Quezon avenue …not that I patronize those establishments. I just heard about them from a friend.

Should the loneliness become extremely unbearable, you may be tempted to put an end to your existence. Someone could write a full length guide about that but let me just get straight to the point. If you’re really dedicated and you really wanna add shame to the family name, Carbon monoxide is quick, clean and painless. Plus it gives your corpse a healthy pinkish glow. Just make sure you off yourself in the first try because people are gonna label you a sissy, emo, unstable boy. then they’re gonna refer you to a psychiatrist and you don’t want that.

The Gentleman's Guide to the MRT/LRT

I know many of you have wondered at some point in your life “What is the unwritten code by which gentlemen regulate their conduct in the MRT and LRT” After reading some entries in some blogs which were apparently written by 12 year old kids who haven’t got the slightest clue about gentlemanly conduct, I thought it’s about time to hear things from a gentleman’s point of view

For the uninitiated, there are currently 3 railway transits in metro manila. MRT runs along edsa and is usually the most packed. LRT2 is the most recent, the most spacious and most aesthetically pleasing (in terms of the actual infrastructure and the people who patronize it) LRT would be the least aesthetically pleasing (in the same sense as above) 

Without further ado I shall now present to you the bushido of gentlemen riding the MRT
 

On conspicuous odorsThe ambience in the MRT can be quite odiferous especially in the latter part of the day. You may find yourself savoring the very rich scent of the very fine gentleman standing a few inches from you. Gentlemanly protocol forbids you to make rude gestures or noises alerting him of the scent that emanates from his hairier regions. I believe the most polite and prudent action would be to give him a complement. Something like “Excuse me sir! I like that fragrance you’re wearing. Is that vinegar-scent?” I will illustrate the effectiveness of this approach with the picture below

As exemplified by the image above. This approach will always lead to a very cordial exchange of pleasantries

 

On giving seats
Social protocol demands that everyone should give seats to the elderly and the physically disabled and that men should give their seats to women in addition to the aforementioned groups of people.

I consider myself a strict follower of these protocols. I almost always give my seat to the elderly or any aesthetically gifted member of the female sex …and the not so aesthetically gifted sometimes.  But there are times when the desire to follow protocol is outweighed by the desire to keep your seat. The most common approach to this dilemma is to feign sleeping.

Sometimes though, there can be protests and they can be quite verbal and more than sufficiently audible. There was a time once when I was quite exhausted and didn’t feel like giving my seat to the very well built and compact woman standing in front of me right away (I would’ve given her the seat in a few mins) She started very eloquently spouting words that seemed conspicuously targeted towards me like: “I do that too. Sometimes I also PRETEND that I’m asleep” If such a case should occur, you should hold on to your seat even more.

• Reason #1: if you gave her your seat, that would highlight the fact that you were never asleep in the first place since you heard her.
• Reason #2: Impolite women do not deserve a gentleman’s seat anyway. Seats should be given freely not demanded. 

The most prudent course of action would be to pretend you’re asleep until you’re near your destination. At which point, you should act like you were suddenly awoken by your phone vibrating. Immediately scan the surrounding area for a female who is more deserving of the seat. -offer her the seat. Stand up, lightly brush your shoulder against that of the less than courteous woman and Proceed to depart from the train.

On segragationMany gentlemen scoff at the new segregation scheme that they’ve recently implemented at the MRT and LRT1. Some of them are mildly irritated by the fact that the first cars where the ladies are situated are quite vacuous while gentlemen are forced to less than comfortably cram themselves in the following cars

The exclusive-for-girls first car

A rough estimate of the conditions in the following cars

  
Some of the more hormonally active of us gents can be seen scratching their heads and looking at the people around them, confused. Almost unintelligibly muttering words like “Who am I supposed to grope now?”

Isolation from the opposite sex can bring about homosexual tendencies in some men

Unlike them however, I happen to enjoy this new setup. Sure the visuals aren’t nearly as appealing and the odors slightly less than pleasant but should an accident happen I’ll most certainly be glad that I’m not in the first car. I also don’t have to hopelessly compete with ladies for seats anymore. Since there are very few ladies, you are allowed to use methods that are a bit removed from the realm of elocution. The art of physical persuasion can be used to greater effect. A fellow gentleman may be slightly annoyed by this approach. If his protests start to bother you, you may start asking questions about his sexual preference or the size of his member. Should this still fail to settle the argument, your elbow could then be used as a more effective tool for argumentation than your mouth.

Should you ever find yourself in the tabloids for your very gentlemanly conduct, don’t forget to mention that you got your manners from me.