It just came to my attention that I’ve been such a wuss the last few months. Since I am a gentleman well schooled in the art of manliness and uber intellectual vocabularism, I will not call it emo. I will instead call it “A slight perturbation in my state of almost constant positivity and manliness”

We’re all human and we all occasionally suffer from bouts of depression and whatnot. What every man should know is that you can be slightly emotional without being a sissy. Here is the man’s guide to being emotional without being a sissy.

 Resist all temptation to listen to Barbara Streisand or any form of overly mushy music-that is a deep hole you can never get out from. You might as well wear a skirt and scout Qav for man-whores while wildly waving your arms in the wind like a sex crazed homo. Instead listen to some pantera and feel the “manliness” slowly seep back in your veins

It’s a steep slippery slope to gaydom from here

 

Resist all temptation to stare at the horizon with a melancholic face and slightly teary eyes. That’s open invitation for some butt kicking if you’re in the right location. Poker is the keyword here.

This is something that all self respecting men know by heart. Never, for any reason, cry in public. If you just can’t hold it anymore, point at a slightly less than pleasing face in the crowd, point at it and laugh …this should effectively mask your tears as those resulting from extreme amusement.

Should the loneliness ever become unbearable, you may be tempted to go on whoring sessions. Never go to quiapo to satisfy your urges. There may just be a reason why the girls there would sleep with you for 50 pesos. I don’t go whoring (I don’t need to, unlike most writers, I’m actually endowed with good looks) but if you’re desperate might I suggest maalikaya in cubao or a certain establishment that cab drivers know very well near the intersection of edsa and Quezon avenue …not that I patronize those establishments. I just heard about them from a friend.

Should the loneliness become extremely unbearable, you may be tempted to put an end to your existence. Someone could write a full length guide about that but let me just get straight to the point. If you’re really dedicated and you really wanna add shame to the family name, Carbon monoxide is quick, clean and painless. Plus it gives your corpse a healthy pinkish glow. Just make sure you off yourself in the first try because people are gonna label you a sissy, emo, unstable boy. then they’re gonna refer you to a psychiatrist and you don’t want that.