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Monday, December 19, 2005

The Worst Jobs

I am supposed to take my OJT this year. I don't think I will I just can't see myself applying for a job. I can't see myself working for anyone. I'm worried that I might have to seriously maim someone while trying to argue the finer points of respect -ing me

It's just incompatible with my philosophies in life which are: "Employment is like slavery", "Bow to no master", and "world domination is the only way to go". Besides I asked my mentor stewie and he said it was highly inadvisable
I guess I don't mind taking orders from anyone ..as long as they call me sir and they really beg for it, on their knees while making pitiful little noises like little puppies desperately begging for food.
But I'll have to take my OJT at some point and as they say, to appreciate whatever situation you're in, you have to look at people who are in a worse situation. So here's a list of some of the worst jobs on the planet

Roman Catholic Priest: No offense people but to each, his own right? It's bad enough that they have to dedicate their lives to a fruitless, pointless cause, that they have to be goody-two-shoes-y all the time and that they have to talk latin while singing while preaching to a crowd of very sleepy people ...It's bad enough that most of them were born as pedophiles ...Why the do they also have to practice abstinence for the rest of their miserable lives? that is just inhumane, people!!! The average male shouldn't be able to last more than a month without ejaculating. You're gonna turn these people into rapists

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Years of dedication to Catholic doctrine gave father Mateo a permanent boner which accidentally impregnated sister dorotea

Flyer people: You know those people you see in malls handing out flyers? Some of them look relatively presentable, like they were well-schooled and yet people from various walks of life treat them like they're scum of the earth. I pass by these people regularly and let's just say that the average alcoholic overweight bum gets more respect than them. Pitiful really

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Johny gaydude, the slightly effeminate rejection addict, enjoys getting shunned and shooed by random people
Human lab rat: One would wonder as to the underlying motivations of well schooled students who participate in relatively unpleasant extracurricular activities like testing pesticides and harsh chemicals on their faces for relatively paltry sums of money. Maybe they get good incentives from their professors for volunteering or maybe they're animal rights activists campaigning for equal rights for both humans and animals or maybe it's genuine concern for scientific progress. Whatever their reasons may be, you have to give it to these brave souls for giving up their dignity as a human being for the betterment of humanity or the advancement of the cosmetic industry as a whole


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Brandon contemplates the future of science, animal rights and the collective welfare of mankind while submerged in a pool of highly cancerous pesticides

Elephant masturbator: No I'm not inventing this people. This is an actual occupation for some very luck-deficient people. This is how they make baby elephants at the zoo, in case you haven't heard. Yes it's a highly emasculating job that may be a little hard to describe to people without them laughing. "The elephant masurbator stands on a stool behind the elephant and shoves his entire arm DEEP into the animal's ass until he reaches the prostate, which he procedes to massage vigorously until the elephant ejaculates all over the place. It's all collected in a bucket."

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Shawn-the- illiterate-boy's dorky smile soon gets wiped off his face as soon as he realized elephants only have one trunk and they go at the front
Flatulence analyst: The scientific nature of the job means you're spared from what would otherwise be the very literal and colorful description, Fart smeller, which is a potentially life scarring designation. He can also poke shots at the elephant masturbator who didn't get the privilege of getting a rosier title. The flatulence analyst gets to sample various odors from various people with various gastroenterological dilemmas that make their gaseous emissions smell like anything from moldy pumpkins to gasoline. With enough training, the flatulence analyst should be able to diagnose with a fair degree of accuracy the problem of the owner of the ass from which the flatulence came. Why buy a million dollar diagnostic machine if you can hire a strapped for cash lad to do the dirty work for a very cheap sum?
 


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Yup methane is combustive

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